now about my love interest

I feel like talking about this because I was talking about it a lot yesterday with a friend of mine, and Valentine’s Day tends to make me think about such things.

I’ve dated and slept around a lot for the past several months, but I’ve been avoiding pursuing an actual relationship here in LA for a number of reasons. Among the most prominent are (in no particular order):

1. fear of commitment (on a scall of small to large, I’d give it a grande)
2. not sure how long I’ll be here
3. kinda hung up on someone, which is what this is all about…

I’m more or less in love with one of my best friends, and I’ve been aware of it for about a year and a half now.

She and I have been friends for almost 7 years now, and we’re incredibly close.  We met before college and we ended up going to the same school.  After graduating, I came out here and she moved somewhere else, but we talk on the phone at least a couple times a week.  I’m basically okay with posting this because I know she doesn’t read this because she prefers to hear my stories from me firsthand, rather than reading them online.  If she does happen to read it, though, then she knows and I guess I’ll just have to deal with whatever happens.

The problem is not that we live far away.  The problem is that the two of us have never actually been single at the same time.  And her current boyfriend (of over a year) is an awesome guy.  As much as I want to hate him, I really, really like him.

And I most certainly do not want to be the reason that she and him break up, so I’m not doing anything about it right now.  I’m kind of resigned to sitting back and seeing what happens with them.  If we’re meant to happen, then they’ll break up, and then I will definitely act on my feelings.

Plus I’ve got a helluva lot on my plate right now, trying to get my career going, so it’s not like it’s something that is bringing me down in a major way at the moment.  I just wanted to share my heart with you guys a little.

Oh, a positive note is that she’s thinking about moving to LA sometime in the next year.

Why I’ve been feeling down today

Last night I had a loooong conversation with one of my coworkers about my love interest (which I’ll get to later), and her marriage.

She and I are pretty close, and I’ve had the very unfortunate, very weird experience of watching her marriage fall apart for the past half a year or so.  I said some things last night—in a fit of brutal honesty—that made her cry and I feel fucking horrible about it.  I wish I could take them back.

I told her that, from what I’ve seen and heard, I just don’t think his heart is in their marriage anymore.  That one hit her hard.

God, I’m an asshole.  What the fuck do I know about marriage?  And it was Valentine’s Day, too.  I should just keep my fucking mouth shut.

She’s a good friend, and she insists I don’t have to feel bad about what I said, but I still feel shitty about it.  Ugh.